What do you do when there's not anything to say anymore? When this floating, this limbo like state has permeated the inside and taken over. I don't feel full but empty. I can still think, still write, but I can only seem to respond to questions posed by others. Those questions don't enter my head like they used to. It's been months now, months of floating and there's still no explanation. First I thought it was that I was burned out, but I had made it to the end so it wasn't a major difficulty. But no healing seems to have occurred and so I'm again left without an explanation of this emptiness. It's just existing, it's just waiting, for what I just don't know. These are the thoughts, when they come, these are the struggles and the musings, when they still deem fit to come upon me. Or maybe its when I can open myself up to them, when I stop and listen, stop at all. Maybe I am living in a bubble, living in my head. I can't get out and I can't feel alive. It's only waiting and wanting and not even knowing what. I do the work and I can see I'm learning, but does it matter if its like this? Its not like last year, its manageable this time, it's not even unpleasant usually, but it still seems incorrect or lacking. It's not stimulating or invigorating or alive. It's information, absorption and processing. I can take it all in and I can use it and I can feel myself get smarter. But I'm still looking for the why. Knowledge for its own sake. I agree and I do want that. But I need something else as well. I need to breathe, to see, to feel. I need to stop, to reflect. I'm having a hard time finding the point of this arrangement we call life. Not in a depressed way, no worries of that because in the modern world that seems to be the immediate thought. It's not depression. It's more like boredom, which is fascinating because I'm interested in what I'm doing. It must be, again, the process. The mechanism that has taken over society and now dictates the way ones life proceeds and the proper way for one to acquire knowledge. Even when inside this very system, when I can see myself benefitting, even often enjoying it, I grow weary. But it doesn't even seem that I am growing that way anymore, it just seems to be a constant state, and so sometimes I just drift inside of it without realizing or worrying.

I want to break free